An article on The Sunday Times today read “The tale of a virginal heroine who falls for a bondage-loving billionaire has shot right up to the top of Malta’s bestseller booklist, mainly by word of mouth.” No honey (person who wrote the article), it wasn’t by word of mouth, unless by word of mouth you actually mean ‘mentioned in every goddamn corner of the interne’.

The article continues with a quote from Miller distributors, who earlier this week decided not to import the latest issue of Dazed and Confused because of an R’n’B singer blowing a condom on the front cover, by saying “for every book we sell, we are selling about 20 copies of Fifty Shades”.

I am not that great at Maths, but such a statement scares me. I don’t know if it says more about the book or, of us as Maltese; that is, that the only reason we would buy and (hopefully) read a book is because everyone on the internet told us to. Looking back at Agenda’s past glories which include the Da Vinci Code and the Harry Potter series, one can immediately notice what all these books have in common, and I mean no disrespect to J.K Rowling.

Looks like us Maltese will only read a book if the rest of the world goes crazy about it. The fact that this happens to be an erotic book says nothing about us finally opening our minds and maybe becoming a little less prudish!

One piece of advice; If you really want to feel avant-garde and sexually liberated, I have some bad news for you – reading a book just won’t do it.

All you ladies out there, instead of reading Fifty Shades of Grey why not try giving yourself an orgasm? Your time will be well spent, and the next time you’re with a Mr Grey, or a Mr Black, or a Mr White you’ll know what you like and you will give him directions on how he can properly pleasure you.

Hell, instead of buying the book you would have been better off spending that money on a vibrator, which I promise would give you a lot more pleasure and satisfaction. And just in case you’re asking yourself where would I get a vibrator from, THIS LINK will take you to a local website which sells them.

And all you guys out there reading the book, fantasising and putting all those credits in your wank bank, I have one word for you; CLITORIS, look it up!

Let me conclude by saying that I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey and I don’t plan to because frankly it sounds dull and I know what kind of erotic novels tickle my fancy. Also I have nothing against people buying books, if it was up to me there would be a library in every locality, my problem is the sheep mentality. Unfortunately, at the end of this the questions remains, do Androids dream of sheep, or do they just follow you to the local bookstore and buy Fifty Shades of Grey?